Without You Here
by TruthSerum
Summary: Season 3 AU
1. Prologue

This wasn't how she pictured her wedding day.

She pictured her wedding day in the spring, maybe early summer, with the perfect temperature and the sun shining on the small crowd gathered outdoors for the wedding. She pictured her wedding day on a beautiful beach with the waves nipping at their feet and the sound of the ocean in the background. She tried not to think about it back then, knowing fortune didn't usually turn the wheel the way she wanted it to, but for a few months it seemed safe to dream. SD-6 was gone, her life was settling down, and she woke every morning to the man she knew she wanted to be with. Every now and then she looked at him and saw their future, at least the way she imagined it to be. Sometimes when he looked at her, she thought she saw the same dreams in his eyes.

But she had been right all along. Life never went the way she planned, the way she wanted, the way she dreamed. She should have known something so close to perfection could never last, not in her life. She woke up one day and it was over. No warning, no time to prepare, and most importantly, no desire to see it go. If they started fighting, if they couldn't make it work, if he had just done something wrong, maybe she wouldn't have been so devastated. But he didn't want it to end any more than she did. They each had everything torn to pieces in a matter of seconds.

So instead of her summer wedding on a peaceful beach, she was getting married on a cool November afternoon in a small, rather plain, but lovely church. The flowers she picked were perfect for the setting, and just beyond the door to her dressing room sat a sanctuary full of kind faces with warm wishes. Her father would walk her down the aisle, her husband's parents would be watching proudly, and any other woman would probably think this was a dream come true.

But her dreams never looked like this.

It wasn't that she didn't want to marry Alex; she did. When he asked, she accepted immediately, and she didn't even think about the fact that it wasn't Vaughn until the next day. She took that as a sign she was moving on. She was ready for her life to continue, even if it wasn't the one she intended on living. This one would be just fine. She started dating him right after she and Vaughn officially put an end to their relationship, and every day they were together, she felt a little closer to feeling okay.

"_Syd, what are you doing here?" Vaughn asked, glancing behind him to make sure Lauren wasn't around while he slipped out to the front porch._

"_We need to talk," she said quietly._

"_Can it wait?" he asked hopefully. "Tomorrow morning. We'll get coffee," he suggested._

"_No, it can't wait," she said sadly. "I can't wait."_

"_What are you talking about?" he asked nervously. _

"_Vaughn, you know what I'm talking about," she sighed. "We've tried this, but you're not leaving her. Not now. Not anytime soon. I can't do that. I can't meet you and talk to you and kiss you wondering how long before you either decide to leave her or leave me. You know me better than that."_

"_Syd, please," he begged. "Don't do this. Just give me a little longer. It all happened so fast. I need time to-"_

"_I can't give you time, Vaughn," she shook her head sesriously. _

"_Syd, I can't just-"_

"_I know," she nodded sadly. "So I'm moving on. I'm putting all this behind me. I turned in my resignation from the CIA just a few hours ago. I'm done looking for revenge. So I guess this is goodbye."_

She did move on after that. She found a new job teaching at a private school and started dating Alex, the friend of one of her fellow teachers she met at a party. While she told herself she couldn't get serious with someone so soon after ending her relationship with Vaughn, things just progressed quickly and naturally with Alex. After six months they moved in together, after a year he proposed. She loved him, loved being with him, and loved coming home at night to him. So she said yes, and today she was getting married. It wasn't disappointment that plagued her; it was the knowledge that this day would be so incredibly different if she didn't disappear. As much as she loved Alex, he wasn't the groom she pictured. He made her happy, but her life would never be what she planned now that Vaughn was gone.

Sighing ruefully, she looked into the mirror and reapplied her lipstick and checked her hair. Her friends from work offered to help her get ready, but she couldn't bring herself to let them take the place always reserved for Francie. Instead, she got ready alone. She tugged nervously on the strap of her dress and adjusted the fit, trying to make sure everything was perfect. Just as she put the finishing touches on, someone knocked on the door. "Come in," she called absentmindedly, still focusing on her reflection in the mirror.

And then she saw him.

"What are you doing here?" she asked, spinning on her heel in surprise. "Close the door," she ordered, worried someone would see him here.

"Sorry," he apologised quietly. "I had to come."

"Vaughn, you can't do that," she shook her head. "You can't just show up here. I'm getting married today. To someone else."

"I know. I had to," he repeated. "Syd, come here," he requested, reaching for her hand and guiding her to a chair. "I know...I know I made my decision. I know I don't have any right to be here, but you know I still love you."

"Please, not today," she whispered, praying she could contain the tears before they ruined her makeup.

"I'm not here to try to stop you or make you unhappy, Syd. I just need to make sure you're okay. I need to make sure you're going to be happy. I let you go, and I know I can't change that now, but I can't let you marry him if he's not the best one for you," he explained quietly.

"He's not the best one," she whispered. "But I don't have that option anymore."

"Sydney..."

"What are you trying to do here?" she asked in anguish. "Do you want me to doubt my decision? Do you want me to change my mind so I can go back to waiting for you?"

"No, no, Syd," he shook his head. "I'm sorry. I don't want to upset you. It was wrong of me to ask you to wait. You're doing the right thing. I just want to make sure you're going to be okay."

"He's not you," she whispered. "It was supposed to be you."

"I wanted that, too, Sydney," he anwered quietly.

"But it didn't work. We tried, and it didn't work. Not because we didn't try hard enough or because we did something wrong...it wasn't our fault. It just happened this way. Please, I just want to be happy today."

"I want that, too. I just need to know. Is he going to protect you? I know I never could, but will he?" he implored. "Is he going to do everything to make you happy?"

"Yes, Vaughn," she nodded.

He bit his lip and looked towards the small window. "Does he know you?" he asked softly.

"Not like you," she admitted quietly. "But enough. And he loves me."

"But not like me," he added sadly.

"No," she whispered. "Not like you. But it's enough. The way you feel about Lauren, the way you feel about your life with her...that's how I feel about Alex. I'll be happy, Vaughn, so don't worry about that. I don't blame you for anything."

He nodded, but she could tell he still wanted to say something. From the look on his face, she knew it wasn't something she wanted to hear. "I wish I had listened to you," he finally blurted. "I wish I really listened when you told me you couldn't wait. I should have realised then I would always regret letting you walk away. No," he shook his head. "No, I did know I would always regret it. I guess I just didn't think it would end like this."

"How did you think it would end?" she asked softly. "I wasn't bluffing, Vaughn. I wasn't there to force your hand."

"I know," he nodded painfully. "It's just hard to picture you with someone else."

"But I am with someone else, and I'm marrying him today. This is what we decided. You're a good man. You're a loyal man. You couldn't leave her just because I came back. I'm okay with this, Vaughn, and I'm not mad at you. I just think it's time for us both to move on."

"Okay," he whispered in agreement. "I guess..."

"Don't say it," she shook her head.

He nodded and stood, hesitating for a few seconds as he took in the sight of her in her wedding dress. Silently, he placed his hands on her cheeks and kissed the top of her hair. She could only stare at the floor, trying to ward off the tears as he let go and walked out of the room, out of the church, out of her life.

TBC


	2. Chapter 1

Part One

"God, it's freezing," Sydney shivered as she stepped inside and rubbed her arms vigorously. She and Alex had just returned from their anniversary dinner, and she hadn't been warm since they left the house.

"Lightweight," he teased.

"You grew up here!" she protested. "I'm from California. Snow wasn't in my vocabulary until _you_ moved me across the country."

"Are you complaining now?" he laughed. "You were all for it when the company moved me back here."

"I know," she smiled. "I love it here. I'm just really, really cold."

"You'll get used to it. You just haven't gotten to experience a Boston winter yet. We'll get you toughened up."

"Great," she laughed. "I'm starting the fire. Can you play the messages? Shelly was supposed to call me about a meeting tomorrow morning."

"Sure," Alex answered. "You want coffee or anything?" he asked as he hit the button on the answering machine.

"No, I'm fine." She walked into the kitchen and sat down at the counter to flip through the mail still stacked up and unread thanks to a very busy week. She opened a happy anniversary card from her dad and listened to Shelly explaining what time and where to meet before classes started the next day, handing it to Alex to read and smiling at her dad's thoughtfulness. The next message was from one of Alex's friends wanting to set up a tennis game, and Sydney tuned out to continue her perusal of the mail until suddenly a familiar voice ripped her from her thoughts.

"Syd," it began, sounding somewhat nervous and uncertain. She sat straight up, shocked he would call here after a year without any sort of contact, even a short e-mail to ask how she'd been or a card to wish her a happy birthday. "Sydney," Eric continued, "it's Weiss. I'm sorry to call you like this...I wanted to actually talk to you, but this was the only number I could find. I know we all sort of agreed this was the best way, but...God, this is hard," he sighed. Sydney felt all the blood rush out of her cheeks as her hand flew to her mouth. Alex looked at her strangely, alarmed by her weird behaviour and the voice he didn't recognise but seemed to know Sydney so well.

"Sydney, who is-?"

"Shh," she cut him off harshly, holding up a hand to silence him.

"It's...it's Vaughn, Syd," Eric's voice continued. Her heart suddenly seized in her chest, and she desperately wanted to turn off the machine so she didn't have to hear anymore. She felt funny earlier in the day but brushed it off as a little wave of sad nostalgia as she remembered the bittersweet day she both married her husband and said goodbye to the man she would always love. From the sound of Eric's voice, she knew something was horribly wrong, and her funny feeling was part of that connection she'd always shared with Vaughn. "He's hurt," Weiss confirmed. "It's really bad. They're not sure...they don't know if he's going to make it. I don't know how you two ended things or what kind of terms you left on, but I think...I really think you need to break them. He needs you, and I have a feeling you need this, too. Please, just come. I would tell you to think about it, but I'm not sure there's time for that. Alright, I should go now. I hope I'll see you. You know where he is."

With that, the message ended, and the beep signalling the end rung with a horrible sense of finality in her ears. She felt Alex staring at her, his blue eyes piercing her skull, but she could barely think, barely move...hell, breathing was a significant achievement at this point. All the old feelings returned, awakened from their dormant state in her mind and heart just at the sound of the name she hadn't dared to speak. All the emotions she thought to pushed to rest washed over her as though they'd never been away, as though she never let go. _Maybe I haven't,_ she realised. Maybe she forced her memories of him to that place reserved for that time in her life and spared herself the pain of dealing with them. Maybe they were still sitting there, waiting for her to let herself feel again. _But I feel with Alex,_ she tried to convince herself. But she knew it wasn't the same. It was love, and it was happiness, but it never was or would be passion and emotion. Now the only person who ever gave that to her was hurt, possibly dying, and she wasn't there. For a year, she told herself he was safe, and it was enough. It had to be enough. Just as he needed to know she would be loved and happy, she needed to know he would be okay and have the life he deserved to live.

"Sydney, are you okay?" Alex asked her in concern, stepping around the counter to

gently grip her shoulders. "Who was that? Who's Vaughn?"

"Michael," she answered weakly. "Vaughn is Michael." She shuddered as she spoke his name aloud, her mouth so easily forming the words as though she never stopped.

"Michael?" Alex asked in surprise. "As in your old boyfriend, Michael?"

All she could do was nod, unable to come up with any words. She sat there, staring at the machine, praying she would wake up. But she didn't, and Alex still gripped her shoulders, and her heart was still ripping apart at the idea of a world without Michael Vaughn. "I need to go," she whispered.

"Go where?" her husband asked in confusion.

"California. LA," she answered. "I need...I need to be there. Eric said..."

"Sweetheart, take a breath," Alex tried to soothe her. "It's okay. Why don't you just call your friend and find out what's going on? You can't just jump on a plane tonight."

"I have to," she insisted, wrenching free of him and standing on weak, wobbly legs. "You heard him. There's not time. I have to go right now."

"Right now? You're going to leave right now?"

She nodded, walking slowly with measured steps to the hallway. She picked up her jacket and slid her arms through the sleeves again and slipped her feet back into the shoes she'd left at the doorway.

"Wait, Honey, this is crazy!" Alex protested.

"I'm sorry," she whispered. "I have to go. I'll...I'll call you from LA."

"Eric!" Sydney cried, sprinting down the hall and into his arms. He immediately opened them to hug her, squeezing tightly as she clung to him in desperation. The flight here had been miserable, full of worry, anxiety, and uncertainty. What would she say? What would she do? What if he died? Could she survive without him?

"Syd, I'm so glad you came," Weiss said quietly, returning the hug with equal fervour.

"I had to," she responded simply, stepping out of his arms to look at him. He looked like hell, like he hadn't slept in days. "Weiss, what happened?" she asked in a whisper, afraid to hear the words she knew would crush her.

"He was stabbed, Syd," he answered. "In the chest. It was a few days ago, but-"

"How bad?" she asked.

"Syd..."

"God dammit! How bad!" she demanded.

"Bad, Sydney," he admitted. "It punctured his lung. By the time we got to him...it collapsed before we got him any treatment."

"No," she whispered, shaking her head as tears rolled down her cheeks.

"He stopped breathing in the ambulance," he continued, "and now he's on a respirator. I didn't call right away because I thought we might know more later, but nothing's changed so far."

"Oh God," she breathed. "No. He has to be okay, Weiss."

"They're doing everything they can," he assured her. "He wasn't improving, so they did surgery today to try to repair the damaged parts of his lungs, but Syd, it's really not looking good. That's why I thought you should come. If anyone can help him, it's you," he said seriously.

"What?" she asked in confusion. "What can I do? I can't fix him."

"Yeah, but...I just think he might come around. Having someone that cares about him...I don't know," he sighed. "I just think having you here might do him some good. And at least...at least you'll be with him if he doesn't make it. I know that's how he would want it."

"I don't understand," she shook her head. "Where's Lauren? Why isn't she here with him?"

"She's uh...she's away," he lied. "We can't reach her. But Syd, you know you're the one he wants with him. Whatever did or didn't happen between you, that's the way it is."

"Okay," she nodded. "I'll stay with him."

Weiss led her to Vaughn's room and left her alone with him. She choked on a sob and sank down into the chair beside the bed, overcome with emotion at seeing him again. She never imagined it would be like this. Somehow she always knew she would see him again, but it wasn't supposed to be like this. He wasn't supposed to look so pale and fragile. He wasn't supposed to be dying in front of her. He wasn't supposed to be dependent on a machine just to keep on breathing. He was supposed to hold her, whisper in her ear, tell her he'd always loved her. Now she might never hear his voice again, never feel his arms around her, never look into his eyes.

"Vaughn," she whispered, picking up his hand and squeezing it tightly in hers. "I'm here now, Vaughn. I know we haven't talked or written or been there for each other, but I'm here now, and I'm not leaving you," she vowed, glancing over at the monitors, half-expecting an improvement as she spoke to him. But there was nothing, and he remained still and lifeless. "I love you, Vaughn," she whispered. "You have always been the one, and I'm not sure I know how to go on without you. Even though we weren't together, you were with me. You were always with me. Knowing you were alive and happy kept me going. Please, don't leave now. Don't give up now, after everything we've been through. I won't let you die. You can't."

She held his cold hand in hers, trying to infuse some warmth back into it as she sat beside him and watched his bandaged chest rise and fall with the help of the respirator. Every now and then she let her eyes close and slept for twenty or thirty minutes, but mostly, she stayed awake all night watching over him. Finally, around six in the morning, she finally fell asleep.

"Syd? Syd, wake up," a voice called.

She started awake, her eyes shooting open to see Weiss hovering over her.

"Hey, sorry," he apologised. "I just thought you should go get something to eat."

"Why, what time is it?" she asked sleepily, rubbing her eyes and sitting up. "How is he?"

"Almost nine, and looking better," he answered with a little smile. "They're going to start lowering the levels on the respirator and see if they can get him awake."

"Really?" she asked, glancing over at him, afraid to hope. He did look slightly better than the last time she checked, and suddenly, she didn't want to go. "You know, I'm not very hungry. I think I'll just stay here," she decided.

"Syd," he scolded. "Come on. Twenty minutes, tops."

"I don't want to leave him," she protested quietly.

"He'll be fine. Now come on, get up," he ordered. Sighing, she reluctantly followed him out of the room, breathing a silent prayer that Vaughn would be okay while she was gone.

As promised, Weiss returned her to the room within twenty minutes, and she reclaimed her seat by the bed. For the rest of the day, she sat beside him, talking to him quietly and reading magazines Weiss brought to keep her entertained. By late afternoon, the doctors deemed him ready to go off the respirator altogether. He continued breathing fine without it, but he still didn't respond to her words or her touch. "Come on," she whispered. "You have to wake up. You have to be okay. I need you to be okay, Vaughn."

Finally, just as night fell over the city beyond the small hospital window, she felt a tiny movement against her hand. She looked up and saw him shifting in the bed just a little, his eyes beginning to flutter. She stayed silent, watching as he battled his way towards consciousness. After several minutes, he finally forced his eyes open. _He's awake,_ she rejoiced inwardly.

He was groggy and struggling to focus his eyes on anything in the room, but he was awake. He would live. All her prayers were answered as soon as his green eyes opened to the world. Sitting beside him, watching him trying to process his surroundings through the drug-induced haze, she wondered how exactly she survived over a year without those eyes. Her heart felt both lighter and a thousand times heavier now that he was with her again after so long. The ache she pushed aside lifted, but the love returned. She wanted so badly to squeeze their intertwined hands and tell him all the things running through her head, but she couldn't, not yet. Not until he was ready to hear it.

He finished scanning the room and seemed to become aware of a hand touching his. He hadn't moved his head yet, but he shifted his fingers around and felt her hand. She tightened her hold just a little, trying to reassure him and make him feel safe. It worked, and he relaxed. Finally, after several more minutes, he gathered the will to turn his head to face her. His eyes registered surprise, but his face painted a picture of relief. "Syd," he breathed in a raspy voice.

Her name never sounded so wonderful. "Hi," she answered quietly, smiling and squeezing his hand again. With her free hand, she picked up the cup of ice the nurse brought by when he started showing signs of waking. Some of it was beginning to melt, but she helped him with a few pieces to soothe his scratchy throat. "Better?" she asked softly.

He nodded in confirmation and squeezed her hand again. "Syd," he whispered again.

"What's wrong? Do you need something?" she asked in concern.

"You're here," he breathed.

"Of course I am," she answered tenderly, moving closer to the bed so she could press a light kiss to his forehead. "Where else would I be?"

"Alex," he answered, the name causing his eyes to turn a little dark. "Boston."

"I couldn't stay when I found out you were hurt. Really, Vaughn, you should think about investing in your own private room here," she teased softly. "You got yourself in trouble again, and I had to come."

"Sorry," he apologised. "Didn't mean to make you come so far."

"I came because I wanted to. Don't be sorry for that," she shook her head. "Weiss called and said you needed me. I got on a plane and flew here right away."

"Thank you," he whispered, tears suddenly filling his eyes. He looked away, bothered by something but not ready to tell her what it was. "What's the damage?" he asked after a moment.

"You were hurt pretty badly," she answered gravely.

His eyes turned dark again as his expression turned sad. "You came because I'm dying," he deduced.

"First of all, you're not dying," she stated firmly. "And second, I came because...because if things were the other way around, I would want you to come to me," she answered. She thought about telling him how she felt, that seeing him like this made her realise she was still in love with him, but he was too weak for that right now. And maybe it was wrong to tempt him again with something they both knew they couldn't have anymore. While she sat here praying for him, she thought to herself all the reasons Lauren might not be here with him. None of them were adequate. He deserved better, and if Lauren was out of the picture, she really might consider leaving Alex as well. But judging by the wedding ring on his finger, Lauren was still very much in the picture, and she couldn't do that to him now. "I know we said no contact, but you know I'm never going to stop caring, Vaughn. The minute I found out something had happened I had to come here to be with you. You're always a part of my life. You always will be."

"You're part of mine, too," he responded quietly. "Are you leaving soon?"

"I probably have to," she admitted sadly.

"Alex," he nodded.

"Yes, Alex. And my job. I would stay until you were better, but I have responsibilities. You do, too," she said pointedly. Again, he looked troubled, but he didn't say anything. "Let's not worry about that now," she suggested. "Right now you need to rest and heal. You scared us for a few days, but you're getting better now."

"Okay," he agreed, tightening his grasp on her hand. "Syd?"

"Yeah?"

"I missed you," he said quietly.

"I know," she murmured. "I missed you, too."

Vaughn fell asleep again shortly after their quiet confession, and just as she had the night before, Sydney stayed beside him to watch over him. She slept a few more hours, but she still didn't want to waste the little amountof time she had left with him. Now that he was awake and on the road to recovery, she couldn't justify staying much longer. Soon she would need to go home, back to her real life, back to Alex and Boston and cold winters. She realised guiltily she'd barely even thought about her husband since she arrived in Los Angeles, and she never called him like she promised to. Before she could really consider what that meant, it was morning again and Vaughn awakened. She helped him eat the breakfast they sent up for him, and for a few hours, it was as though she never left. They talked and laughed quietly, ignoring the year-long separation and their respective spouses. He filled her in on everyone at work, and she told him about the adventures of teaching English at the public university. He fell asleep again just before lunchtime, so she gathered the courage to leave him alone and go grab something eat with Weiss.

"Thank you for coming, Syd," he thanked her.

"You don't have to thank me," she shook her head. "This was for Vaughn and me. We needed it."

"Yeah, I know," he nodded. "But I know it wasn't easy."

"Actually, I'm a little scared how easy it was," she admitted.

"What about Alex?" he asked quietly. "I mean...are you two okay? Everything's...?"

"We're okay," she nodded in confirmation. "Things have been good. It's been a good year."

"And he's okay with you being here?" he asked worriedly. "I was nervous about leaving you a message like that, but I couldn't come up with any other ideas. I didn't exactly want to call your dad and ask for your number...I wasn't sure how well that would go over."

"Probably a good idea," she laughed. "But I...I haven't talked to him," she confessed. "I don't think he was too happy when I left, but..."

"Sydney," he scolded. "You haven't called your husband since you got here?"

"It's not that easy, Weiss," she argued. "He doesn't understand about Vaughn and me. He'll never understand it."

"Yeah, especially if you don't ever try to explain."

"Weiss, you asked me to come," she sighed. "I'm glad you did. I needed this. But you're the one who called. You left the message. You knew he would probably hear it. You don't get to criticise me now for the way I handled things with my husband."

"I'm not trying to criticise you. I just think you should have called him. He's probably worried."

"I'll call after lunch," she tried to appease him. "I've been busy with Vaughn. I didn't want to leave him until we were sure one way or the other."

Weiss nodded, but he looked down at the table, obviously worried about something. "We're on pretty dangerous ground here, aren't we?" he asked intuitively.

"It doesn't matter," she shook her head firmly. "I'm going home later. I have to. Lauren will probably be here soon anyway, and then she can take care of him."

"Yeah," he agreed weakly. "Yeah, you're right."

They made awkward small talk for the rest of the meal, and then Sydney called the airport and managed to find another flight to get home. She started to return to Vaughn's room, but she knew she needed to call home before her husband flew out here himself. "Hi," she said quietly when he answered, guessing he would be pretty angry she hadn't called or answered her phone.

"Sydney, what the hell?" he yelled. "I've been calling you since you left."

"I know, I'm sorry," she responded softly. "I turned my cell phone off on the plane and I completely forgot about it," she lied. She did think about it. She could have taken it outside and given him a call just to let him know she got there okay, but she didn't. She didn't want to leave Vaughn's side.

"Where the hell have you been?" he asked heatedly. "Jesus, you jump on a plane and fly off to California and don't bother to call me for two days?"

"Alex, I'm really sorry," she apologised again. "He wasn't doing well, and I've been at the hospital since I got here. He woke up yesterday, and there's no one else that can be here with him right now. I didn't want to just leave him by himself. He almost died," she tried to explain.

"Where's his wife?" he asked heatedly. "Why isn't she the one with him? You haven't seen this guy in years!"

"One year," she corrected quietly. "It's been one year, and she's out of town. They've been trying to get a hold of her, but no one's been able to reach her. She's overseas, I think."

"So what? Are you staying there?" he asked accusingly.

"No, Alex," she sighed. "I got a flight for tonight. I'll be back late. He's doing better, so I'm coming home."

"And that's all that's going on?" he asked uncertainly.

"Yes. That's it. He needed someone here, so I was here. I'll be back soon. I'm sorry I didn't call you, but I'll see you in the morning."

"Alright. Do you need me to pick you up?" he asked, resigned to the situation but still not sounding too happy about it.

"My car's at the airport. I'll just see you in the morning." She bid him good night, struggling to respond properly when he told her he loved her and hanging up the phone with a heavy sense of guilt. She hurried into the bathroom and splashed some cold water on her face before she started to cry. _Get a hold of yourself, Bristow. You knew this was how it had to be. His wife will be back soon. Your husband is waiting for you,_ she reminded herself. _So why is it going to be so hard to look him in the eye and tell him you're leaving?_ She thought about the question for a moment but couldn't come up with an answer. Instead, she dried off her face and prepared herself to say her goodbyes.

"There you are," Vaughn smiled as soon as she returned to the room. The relief on his face made her stomach churn. "I woke up and you weren't here."

"I know, I'm sorry," she apologised. "I had to go do a few things."

His face sank as he gathered the implication of her words. "When?" he asked quietly.

"Soon. I should get my things together and get ready to get to the airport. You know how traffic can be," she said lamely.

"Yeah," he answered listlessly.

"Vaughn," she murmured, taking a seat next to his bed again and picking up his hand. "Don't do this," she pleaded. "Don't make it so hard for me to go. You know I have to. This is what we decided."

"I know," he answered. "But I hate it. I don't want you to leave again, Syd. I don't want to go back to the way things have been. I miss you."

"I miss you, too, but it's not an option. I have Alex, and you have Lauren. We made this choice," she reminded him. "We've gotten by okay, and we will again."

"So this is it? Goodbye unless one of us gets hurt?"

"I don't want that," she shook her head. "Seeing you...I don't want to cut you out of my life again." She reached into her purse and found a small scrap of paper and a pen. She scribbled down her number and handed it to him. "Here. This is my cell phone number. I want you to call me whenever you need to. Even if you just want to talk, catch up."

"You'll really let me call?" he asked sceptically. "What will Alex think?"

"It doesn't matter. I'll work it out," she assured him.

"Can I give you mine?" he asked hopefully. She handed him the pen and paper, allowing him to write down his own number. She folded it up and placed it in the pocket of her purse for safe-keeping.

"I should go now," she announced sadly. "Be safe and get better. Remember to call me for any reason."

"Okay," he whispered, unable to speak out loud and contain his tears at the same time. "Bye, Syd."

TBC


	3. Chapter 2

Part Two

A week after returning to Boston, Sydney and Alex still hadn't said more than two full sentences about her impromptu trip to Los Angeles. She didn't want to talk about it, he didn't want to know. It probably wasn't the best way to deal with the troublesome emotions brewing in both of them, but neither knew how to bring it up or what to say. So they went on with life as usual, getting caught up in their busy routines and acting as though nothing had changed.

But everything changed.

On Saturday night, they decided they needed some time together after the hectic work week. They did their usual - dinner and a movie - and all in all, it was a pleasant evening. _Maybe we'll be okay,_ she thought to herself as they walked to their car, his hand on her waist. _You're just adjusting to seeing Vaughn again. Things will be normal soon. You'll feel normal soon._

Once they arrived home, she turned back on her cell phone and noticed a missed call, recognising the number immediately. She no longer had it stored in her phone, and it wasn't even the same number as before, but she'd looked at the small piece of paper with his scribbled number more times than she cared to admit since she returned from Los Angeles. She glanced over at Alex and saw he was already absorbed in whatever he had found on the television. "I'm going to go change," she told him, pointing to the bedroom and waiting for his nod of acknowledgment before hurrying out of earshot to listen to the voicemail. _What are you doing, Sydney?_ she asked herself for one moment. _He let you go. You both decided this was best. You can't change the rules of the game!_ But as quickly as the thoughts came, she made them disappear. _You're doing what's right,_ she realised. Even if Alex didn't see it that way, this was right. She took a deep breath and opened her voicemail to listen to his voice.

"Syd," he choked miserably. From just that one word, she knew he was crying. "Sydney, I...I'm not doing so well," he confessed through the tears. "I know it's unfair, and I know I shouldn't call you like this, but I don't know what to do. I'm so lost, Syd. Please, please, I know you probably don't want to talk to me, but I'm falling apart, and you're the only person...you're the only one, Syd. I don't have anyone else to call, but even if I did...I need you. I'm so sorry to do this to you, but I couldn't do it anymore. Please, Syd, I'm in Boston, and I need to see you. I'm not really supposed to drive, but I will if you'll please let me see you. I just need to talk. I really need this. Please, help me," he begged. She'd never heard him sound so broken, so desperate, even after everything she'd been through with him. He sounded at the very bottom of his rope and just barely clinging on. "I'll understand if you can't, but I need you," he said pleadingly. She heard him try to say more, but it was obvious he couldn't and hung up.

_Oh God, what is happening here?_ she thought frantically.Where was Lauren? Why was he so torn apart? With only a moment's hesitation, she crept out to the back patio and dialled his cell phone number. He didn't answer, and her heart started racing even more than it already was. He probably shouldn't be flying so soon after his injuries, and he really shouldn't be getting so worked up right now. Feeling herself beginning to panic, she dialled his number again and prayed he would pick up this time.

Her prayers were answered. "Syd?" he asked weakly, sounding so lost and vulnerable she couldn't hold back her own tears.

"Yeah, it's me," she answered softly. "Where are you? Are you okay?"

"No," he answered miserably.

"What's wrong? Does everything feel okay?" she asked, concerned first about his physical condition.

"It hurts," he admitted.

"What hurts, Vaughn?" she prodded. "I'm going to help you, but you have to talk to me."

"My chest," he answered, obviously in pain. "It just hurts to breathe."

"Okay, just keep taking big breaths," she instructed. "What were you even thinking flying all the way here?"

"I had to, Syd," he answered.

"This is insane, Vaughn," she scolded. "How long have you even been out of the hospital? Your lung collapsed a week ago! Please, tell me you didn't come all the way here by yourself," she pleaded.

"There's no one," he choked. "I'm sorry, Syd. you don't have to come. I shouldn't have called, I shouldn't have-" he stopped, suddenly choked for air and panting heavily. Immediately feeling bad for reprimanding him when he was obviously in distress, she abandoned the inquisition in favour of soothing him.

"It's okay, I'm sorry. Just breathe, Vaughn," she instructed gently.

"I'm sorry," he apologised weakly when he got his breathing under control again. "There's no one..."

"There is now," she soothed. "Just tell me where you are, and I'll get there as soon as I can."

He managed to name the hotel and the room number, and thankfully, he'd picked a hotel not too far away from her house. She calmed him down enough to hang up and walked back inside, grateful to hear the sound of the television still on in the living room. Alex couldn't have heard any of their conversation, and hopefully, he wouldn't suspect anything. _Vaughn's been back in my life a little over a week and I'm already lying to my husband,_ she thought wryly. But it didn't phase her. Something major was going on here, something Vaughn couldn't deal with alone or with Lauren. Whatever it was, she had to help him. She loved him too much to let him suffer, no matter what happened between them or how much time passed. Glancing at the clock, she saw it was almost ten and impulsively grabbed her duffel bag from the closet. Something told her they were in for a long night, and upset as he sounded, she didn't want to leave him alone. She tossed in sweats, a t-shirt, and a few other necessities and tried to look normal as she returned to her husband in the living room.

"You wanna find a movie or something?" he asked her without turning around.

"I can't," she answered. "Kelly just called me," she explained, naming one of her best friends here in Boston. She hated bringing someone else into it since it meant Kelly had to lie as well, but it was the only believable explanation.

"Is everything okay?" he asked in concern, turning off the television and turning around to look at her.

"Yeah, it'll be fine. She drank a little too much and started thinking about Jonathan. She's pretty upset, so she wanted me to come over. Do you mind?" she asked sweetly.

"No, of course not. She needs you. Go take care of her. I'm playing tennis with Steve tomorrow, and then we'll probably spend some time at the club with the guys, so I'll just see you tomorrow evening," he said amicably.

"Sounds great," she managed to smile. She kissed him on the cheek and bid him a good night before slipping outside and sighing in relief. In the car, she quickly dialled Kelly's number. "Kel, I need your help," she blurted as soon as her friend picked up the phone.

"Sydney?" Kelly asked in confusion. "What's wrong?"

"I'm so sorry to do this to you, but I'm kind of...using you as an alibi," she admitted sheepishly.

"Um, alright. For...?"

"It's a long story," she sighed. "Something's going on with Michael. He's here in Boston, and he really needs me. He sounded really bad, and I don't think I should leave him alone tonight."

"Sydney," her friend scolded. "Please tell me you're not really spending the night in a hotel room with your ex-boyfriend."

She cringed at the word, knowing "ex-boyfriend" couldn't even begin to describe her relationship with Vaughn. "Kelly, you don't understand. I have to. He just got out of the hospital. I'm worried he hurt himself coming all this way, and he wouldn't call me unless he was desperate. I can't just turn him away."

"Are you sure about this?" she asked warily.

"I'm sure. I have no idea what's going on with him, but he came to me. He needs me for some reason," she tried to explain, though her friend could probably never understand her very complex relationship.

"Okay, but please, just be careful," Kelly warned her. "What do you want me to do?"

"I just need you to cover for me if it comes up. It probably won't, but I told Alex you were upset about Jonathan and asked me to come over," she explained. "I'm really sorry to put you in this position, but I didn't know what else to do."

"Tell him the truth?"

"Kel, now just isn't the time. I'll tell him later. I really need to get to Michael right now," she answered. "Look, I need to go, but thank you for helping me out. I promise, it's just this one time."

"I'm holding you to that," her friend warned. "Just be smart tonight."

"I will," she promised before hanging up. Fifteen minutes later, she pulled into the parking lot of the hotel and grabbed her duffel bag out of the front seat. She hurried inside and rode the elevator up to the sixth floor to his room. "Vaughn?" she asked quietly as she knocked on the door. "I'm here. Can you let me in?"

She heard him shuffling around inside, probably having a little difficulty with the movement and still a little slow from his stay in the hospital. "Hi," he said raggedly as he swung the door open to let her inside.

"Oh Vaughn," she sighed, taking one look at his pale face and abandoning her bag. She grabbed his hand and carefully led him to the bed, helping him sit down and propping him up against the pillows. "Let me see your chest," she instructed softly, not even thinking as she helped him strip off his t-shirt. He moaned slightly in pain, leaning his head back against the wall as she checked his wound and surgical incision to make sure he hadn't reopened anything. "Doesn't look like you did too much damage. How's your breathing? Are you doing okay?" she asked in concern.

"Yeah," he nodded. "I'm fine. It just hurts."

"Did you take your medicine?" she asked. He nodded in confirmation, so she got up and found the wash cloths in the bathroom. She wet them with warm water and carried them back to the bed, gently placing them on his chest and pressing down carefully to relieve a little of the pain. His eyes fluttered closed, and she couldn't resist brushing her fingers through his messy hair as she moved the cloths around and flipped them over as they cooled. "Breathe," she whispered. "It's okay. You'll be okay." She continued raking back his hair while he breathed deeply, whispering soothing words as he grimaced in pain. When the cloths lost their warmth, she took them back to the bathroom and then helped him pull his shirt back on.

"Thank you," he whispered.

"You don't have to thank me," she shook her head. "I can't believe you came all this way, though. You almost died, Vaughn. You can't just jump right back into everything."

"I know, Syd," he admitted. "But I didn't know what else to do. You don't understand...you don't know how bad it was," he said tearfully. "I know I'm not allowed to need you, but I did...I do."

"You can need me," she countered gently. "I know we had an agreement, but when have we ever followed the rules? If you need me, I'm going to be there for you, no matter how long it's been or who we're with."

"I don't want to complicate your life," he whispered, gazing up at her with anguished green eyes.

"I'm more worried about you right now. I'll deal with my own life. Just tell me what's going on so I can try to do something to help you," she begged. She picked up his hand and squeezed it tightly, trying to make him understand she was here and not going anywhere until he felt better. "Tell me what happened, Vaughn," she whispered. "Whatever it is, we'll figure it out. We always do."

She continued to lightly stroke his hair while he stared down at the bed and gathered the courage to tell her what was on his mind. "What did Weiss tell you about my accident?" he finally asked.

"Not much," she shrugged. "He can't now that I'm not an agent. He said you were attacked and stabbed on a mission and that the team couldn't find you until it was almost too late."

"I don't go in the field anymore, Syd," he reminded her. "I haven't for a long time. Since before you even left."

"That's what I thought. I just assumed you went back for some reason. Are you saying this didn't happen on a mission?" she asked in confusion.

"No," he shook his head gravely. "I don't go on operations anymore. I was at home," he said quietly.

She bit her lip and squeezed his hand again. "They came into your home?" she asked in disbelief. "God, Vaughn, I'm so sorry," she murmured. "Why would someone be after you?" she asked. But then she had a horrible realisation. Feeling the colour drain out of her face, she looked up at him, silently praying her theory was wrong. "Oh my God. Was it about me? Did this happen because of me?"

"No," he shook his head immediately. "No, Syd, this wasn't your fault. Not at all. It was mine. I caused it."

"I don't understand. How was it your fault? Do you know who did this to you?"

"Yes," he nodded. "I know exactly who it was."

"Who?" she prodded.

"It was Lauren, Syd," he finally answered. "She stabbed me in the chest with a knife from our kitchen."

Shocked, Sydney could say nothing. She just gaped at him, struggling to believe the words. For a moment she thought he must be joking, but his face was deathly serious. "Lauren?" she choked. "Your wife tried to kill you?"

He nodded and dissolved into tears, dropping his head into his hands. She hesitated, unsure of what to do, and then finally curled up beside him and pulled him into her arms. She'd never seen him cry so much or so hard. She could feel the pain bleeding out of him and invading her own body as she held him and tried to soothe him. Her words seemed to do nothing, but he clung to her like she was his last tie to life. In that moment, the years between them disappeared. He was hers again, and she was his. The hurt, the anger, the grief...none of it mattered anymore. Right now there was only him and her, together, like they were meant to be. Her guilt for using Kelly and lying to Alex vanished, replaced by a sense of greater good by being here with this man who so desperately needed her. Alex could never need her like this, and Kelly could never be the friend Vaughn had always been. At the end of the day, Vaughn meant more to her than both of them. Believing anything else was deceiving herself. No matter what happened after tonight, she wouldn't ever turn her back on him again. His pain would always be her pain. His emotions would always be her emotions. They severed their relationship long ago, but some things didn't end, no matter how hard they tried. Their bond, their connection, was too deep for a little thing like marriage to other people to interfere.

He continued to cry for close to fifteen minutes, but she didn't mind his tears. The hurt overwhelmed her, but she could only rejoice he was here and he was safe. He almost died, but now he was here, with her, trusting her as he had always done. Nothing could make her feel so complete. "It's okay, Vaughn," she whispered as he began to calm just a little. The tears continued, and he still shook in her arms, but the cries grew a little softer now. "It'll be okay now."

"Syd," he choked in agony, clinging to her even tighter.

"I'm here, Vaughn," she murmured. "I'm here. I'm not going anywhere. You're safe."

"She betrayed me," he cried. "I married a traitor. I missed you so much and it hurt so bad, and I was stupid. I thought she could help me move on. She was so nice, and it felt so good to be wanted again. But it was all a trick. It was all lies. None of that was even real. I was so naive and oblivious. She never loved me, Syd. Never. Not in the beginning, not when I let you go and let you get married, not even after years and everything I sacrificed."

"Oh God," she breathed in absolute horror. No wonder he was falling apart. No wonder he was so destroyed. His entire world was built around a set of lies. Every decision he made, he made thinking of her and in the name of doing the right thing. And all for a traitor. "Oh my God. How long have you known? When did you find out?"

"A few weeks ago," he admitted.

"A few weeks?" she gasped. "And you stayed? You didn't get out of there?"

"I couldn't," he shook his head. "I wasn't allowed. They wouldn't let me. There was talk around the agency about a mole, and they started investigating. When the realised it was Lauren, they thought...they thought I was working with her, Syd. They thought she'd gotten to me after you...after you disappeared. They actually thought she convinced me to join her side. I was in 'questioning' for three days. But that's bulls. You know what I was," he spat bitterly. "I was a prisoner. Everyone treated me like...like _her._ I know I screwed everything up, but I swear, Syd, I was loyal. I never knowingly did anything to betray the agency...to betray you. I swear I didn't know what she was."

"Of course not," she soothed. "God, I can't believe they would ever question you like that. I would never suspect you, Vaughn," she swore. "I know you're loyal. Whatever she did, it wasn't your fault."

"That's not what they thought," he scoffed. "When they finally cleared me, I had to go through a thousand psych evals to find out what she'd done to me. Then they told me I had to go back to her and help them bring her in."

"What!" she cried in disbelief.

"They said it was my _duty._"

"I'll kill them," she hissed angrily, beginning to see red. He'd been through enough. They never should have made him go back. "I can't believe that. Was my dad a part of this?"

"Of course," he laughed humourlessly. "He was the one who pushed it. I married her, so it was my responsibility to fix it."

"No, Vaughn," she shook her head. "That's ridiculous. I can't believe he did that. He should have known better. God, of all people! He should understand!"

"It's okay, Syd," he tried to calm her. "He's right. It was my fault. I let her get access to everything. Not on purpose, but I did. I didn't want to go back, and I tried to refuse, but he said they needed me on the inside. Leaving her during the investigation would be too suspicious even though our marriage was a joke anyway," he laughed again. "I guess that's part of my punishment for being such an idiot."

"You are _not_ an idiot," she countered. "You were hurting and vulnerable. She preyed on that, Vaughn. You didn't deserve any of this. You've suffered more than enough. She took your pain and twisted it around...that could happen to anyone."

"It's not just that," he shook his head. "She messed with my head, Syd. She did things to me. I don't know the full extent, but she was brainwashing me from the start. I have to believe I never would have let you go if she wasn't screwing with me. Looking back on it now, I know it was my biggest mistake. Bigger than marrying her."

"Don't think about that right now," she murmured.

"I have to," he protested. "I gave up everything, and for what? For a sham of a marriage, a woman that didn't love me, a traitor. If I hadn't let her get to me, I never would have been able to move on from you. I wouldn't have been married when you came back. We would be together now. I know we would, Syd. I was so in love with you. That was all I wanted. She kept us apart. All of this...it's because of her, because I was stupid enough to say yes the first time."

"Stop," she commanded. "You have to stop. This isn't your fault. Stop torturing yourself. This was part of their plan all along. You couldn't help it. I told you before...I never blamed you for what happened between us."

"But I could have fixed it, Syd," he protested tearfully. "When you came to me that day...I thought I was doing the honourable thing, but I was really helping the enemy. I knew letting go of you would be the hardest thing I ever did, but I thought I was doing it for a reason."

"You were," she insisted. "You're a good man. You were doing the right thing. We agreed it was for the best, Vaughn. We couldn't have known how things would turn out, not then."

"Yeah, and now I just have nothing," he said quietly. "My honour is gone. My wife is out there somewhere, probably trying to figure out how to kill me. And I'm here where I don't even deserve to be."

"That's not true," she protested, her tears falling into his hair as she wrapped her arms around him. "You didn't ruin us, Vaughn. It was never your fault. You're not any less of a person because of her. You're still you."

"But I let you go. I let you go to him. I know it's not fair to just crawl back to you, but my life...you were the only thing that ever made any sense. I just wanted to feel that one more time."

"Shh," she whispered, alarmed by his fatalistic talk. "I'm glad you're here. I'm so glad you came to me. I just wish you called me as soon as you found out. I wouldn't have let you go back to her," she swore.

"I wanted to," he said quietly. "All I wanted was to sit with you and hear you tell me I'd be okay."

"You know I would have. I would have been on the first flight out. Why didn't you?" she asked softly. "Why didn't you call? Why didn't you come?"

"Because I love you," he whispered solemnly. "I never stopped. I didn't want you to think I was just crawling back to you because she was gone. I wanted to make you believe you were always the one I wanted. And after everything I put you through, I didn't - don't - deserve your comfort."

"Stop," she commanded again. "Don't say things like that."

"But it's true. I love you, Syd," he told her again. "And I gave you up for the woman that helped take you from me in the first place."

"It's not your fault, Vaughn," she insisted once more, desperate to make him believe. "You can't blame yourself for any of this."

"I should have seen through it," he argued. "I shouldn't have tried to move past you. I should have known it wouldn't really be possible. When I found out she was Covenant, I didn't even care about what she did to me. I wanted her to die for what she did to you, and that was the only reason I even cared about anything. But I guess I got sloppy," he shrugged. "She realised I knew the truth. She told me she was going on a business trip, and then I got up in the middle of the night, walked into the kitchen to get some water, and she stabbed me."

"Oh God, Vaughn," she breathed in horror.

"I gave up everything," he whispered in agony. "I gave up everything out of some misguided sense of duty to her, and she stabbed me in the chest and left me to die on the kitchen floor. And the thing is, I wanted to. Weiss was supposed to come by in the morning, and I really just wanted to be dead by then."

"You don't mean that," she whispered.

"I do, Syd. It would have been better that way."

"Don't say that," she ordered. "It's not true."

"Yes, it is," he argued. "I saw you there when I woke up, and God...I wanted to live again. It was worth it to have another chance to see you. But what am I supposed to do now? There's nothing for me in LA, but what is there anywhere else? I guess I can go back to the CIA, but for what? To seek revenge until she finally kills me? You did the right thing," he sighed. "You quit and got away."

"You can do that, too, Vaughn," she insisted. "You're right; there's nothing for you in Los Angeles. So go somewhere else. Get a job at Langley or find a new job. Forget about her."

"How?" he asked miserably.

"I don't know," she answered honestly. "But I know you have to try."

"Why?" he challenged. "Why does it matter?"

"Because you matter," she answered simply. "Why do you think I went to LA? Why do you think I'm here now?"

"I don't know," he shrugged.

"Because I need you to be okay. When Weiss called me, I was terrified. I felt it. I swear, I felt it," she said quietly. "Something felt off earlier in the day, and as soon as I heard his voice, I knew why. Because of you. Because something happened and you were hurting. Nothing mattered but getting to you. It was my anniversary, Vaughn. My one year anniversary, and I left my husband so I could get to _you._ Does that sound like you don't matter? Does that sound like you're not needed? You are. You are, Vaughn. If nothing else, I need you, and I'm so glad you're still alive."

He said nothing, but she felt him shaking again with silent sobs. "I miss you, Sydney," he cried after a few minutes.

"Shh," she soothed. "It's okay. I'm here now. I promise, you'll be okay."

"Don't leave," he pleaded. "Please, don't leave me again. I can't do this. I'm so tired."

"Sleep," she whispered. "I won't leave you. I'll be here. Just try to sleep now. I'm not going anywhere," she promised, wrapping her arms more tightly around him. "Sleep," she whispered. She continued holding him as he cried himself to sleep, slackening her hold only when she was convinced he wouldn't wake up. Cautiously, she eased them down beneath the covers and made sure he was warm enough. Even then, she couldn't bring herself to get up and change into more comfortable clothes. It had been so long since he slept in her arms or vice versa, and she didn't want to give up even a second. "I love you," she whispered. He didn't hear her, didn't stir, but he finally looked peaceful and pain-free. For now, it was enough.

The next morning she woke up before him and reluctantly climbed out of bed. She found no evidence of food in his room at any point, so she quietly slipped on her shoes, grabbed his key card off the nightstand, and crept outside to search for breakfast. She instinctively grabbed his favourite foods from the hotel breakfast and carried the food back upstairs. When she walked back inside, he was out of bed and pacing the room. "Syd," he sighed in relief.

"Sit back down," she instructed.

"You weren't here," he said quietly as he complied and sat down in bed again. "You

scared me."

"Sorry, I was just grabbing food from downstairs," she explained. "When was the last time you ate?" she asked pointedly. He looked away and didn't answer. "That's what I thought," she said wryly. "You need to eat."

"You don't have to do this, Syd," he protested as he accepted a bagel.

"I know. I want to. I want to help you, Vaughn. I want to do whatever it takes to get you through this. Now eat," she ordered.

He chuckled a little and obeyed, and they ate breakfast together in silence. Afterwards, she made him take off his shirt again so she could check the wounds and bandages on his chest. Thankfully he'd been rational enough to bring the supplies with him, so she replaced the bandages and made sure he took all the medicine he was supposed to. Now that morning had come, she knew she couldn't stay here. As much as she wanted to, she had another life to return to. She didn't want to think about it, so she fussed over him instead.

"Are you leaving?" he finally asked.

"Vaughn," she sighed.

"Are you leaving?" he asked again.

"You know I have to," she answered quietly. "Alex..."

"Yeah, I know," he nodded painfully. "I'm glad he takes care of you. I'm glad you're happy. You deserve that, Syd. I'm sorry for interfering."

"Vaughn," she breathed, biting her lip and shaking her head as she tried not to cry. "I still love you," she confessed, feeling the weight on her chest finally lift a little as she admitted the truth she'd tried to conceal for so long. "I'm not saying goodbye to you, not again."

"What do you mean?" he asked quietly.

"I don't know exactly. But I'll see you again. And anytime, day or night, for any reason...call me."

He nodded, and they sat in silence again for another few minutes, trying to delay the inevitable. "You know what I wish?" he blurted suddenly. "I wish we could fix that night. I just want to go back in time and make that night never happen.I want everything to be the way it was supposed to be. You and me in Santa Barbara for the weekend. I had everything planned out so perfectly. It was going to be incredible. Our first real vacation together. I would do anything, _anything,_ to go back and make it happen."

"I would, too," she agreed quietly.

"But we can't, can we?" he laughed bitterly.

"No," she shook her head. "No, we can't."

"I guess you should go now," he said dully.

She nodded and rose, staring down at him sitting there on the bed so broken and confused. "I meant what I said," she whispered. "Anytime. It's not goodbye. I'm not saying goodbye to you again." She leaned over and cupped his face in her hands, pressing a long, sweet kiss to his forehead. "Don't forget," she whispered. She allowed her lips to linger a few more seconds, and then she gathered all of the will she possessed and walked out, closing the door behind her.

TBC


	4. Chapter 3

Part Three

For a few days, Sydney didn't tell her husband what really happened. They went back to work, laughed and joked around, kissed and hugged, but she didn't tell him the truth. Halfway through the week, she thought the guilt might eat her alive. She didn't regret going to the hotel, but she couldn't look at her husband anymore knowing she was lying to him.

"Alex, we need to talk," she finally blurted as they sat down together to watch the news just as they did every night to wind down before bed.

"Something wrong?" he asked in concern.

"Not exactly, but I need to tell you something."

"Okay, go ahead," he said, clearly bewildered. "You know you can tell me anything, Honey."

"I have a feeling you're not going to like this," she warned him. "You're _really_ not going to like this."

"Okay, you're really making me nervous. Just tell me," he encouraged her.

She clenched her eyes shut and prepared herself to have it out. "I didn't go to Kelly's on Saturday night."

Alex swallowed hard and nodded his head. "You didn't?" he asked apprehensively. "Where...where did you go?"

"Vaughn called me," she confessed. "While we were in the movie. I...I gave him my number when I was in LA, just in case something else happened and he needed me. So he called and left me a message telling me he was here in Boston."

"What?" he asked incredulously. "Why was he here?"

"He came to see me," she admitted. "I swear, I didn't know he was coming. He left me a message, and he sounded terrible, Alex. I've never heard him sound so upset, and I was worried because he's still weak. Something was really wrong. I couldn't just ignore him."

"So you spent the night with him?" he asked incredulously. "You lied to me to sleep with him?"

"I didn't sleep with him," she defended herself. "Well, we slept, but we didn't do anything else," she clarified, wincing as he grew even more outraged. She should have known that little tidbit wouldn't help, but he needed to know the truth.

"Oh, great," he rolled his eyes. "Well that makes me feel much better. You lied to me to sleep with another man, but hey, at least you didn't have sex.

"Alex, please," she begged him, trying to stay calm. "Listen to me. I didn't do anything. It was completely innocent. He needed my help. Some really horrible things have happened to him, and he needed me to be there and listen to him. That's all I did. I swear."

"I don't care, Sydney," he shot back harshly. "He's your ex-boyfriend. I'm your husband. It's not appropriate. Sleeping with another man, no matter who he is or what happened...that can never be innocent. I don't care what you did or didn't do. You lied to me to be with him."

"He's not just my ex-boyfriend, Alex," she whispered. "It's not like we tried it and it didn't work. You know that. You know we didn't just break up. We were so happy together, but then he thought I died. We've both moved on with our lives, but he still matters to me. I couldn't leave him there alone and in pain."

"And exactly how much does he still matter to you?" he challenged.

"Alex," she protested. "That's not fair."

"Yeah, well, neither is the fact that you lied to me to go comfort your ex-boyfriend," he snapped.

"You don't understand. If you knew what happened, you would understand why I had to be there for him," she reasoned.

"But I don't know, do I?" he asked pointedly. "And I'm not going to know, because you'll never tell me. Just like everything else about your past. I accepted that when we got married, Sydney, but it's time for you to start trusting me now."

"It's not that I don't trust you. I _can't_ tell you. You don't have the clearance-"

"I may not be a CIA agent, but I'm smart enough to know you don't have the clearance, either," he argued. "You quit. You shouldn't know anything. Don't try to tell me you weren't breaking the rules for him."

She looked down at her feet, unable to deny his accusation. He was right. All of the information about Lauren was top-secret. No one was supposed to know about it, even her.

"And yet you won't break them for me," he shook his head in disbelief. "Whatever. I'm going to my brother's. I'll see you later."

She nodded sadly and sat down on the couch, staring at the floor as he packed a bag in the bedroom and then stormed out of the house. _This is how it's going to be now,_ she realised. Everything was fine when they were just normal people with normal jobs. The minute the CIA touched her life again, everything began to crumble around her. Just like always. This world she worked so carefully and diligently to create came crashing down as soon as her past came close enough to taint her walls.

But if those walls so easily collapsed, how strong were they to begin with?

Looking back over the past year with Alex, she saw a life anyone would love. He was a good man with a good heart, and he loved her very much. Never once in the year since she married him had she felt unwanted or unloved. He bought her a lovely house with a big backyard, just like she always wanted. They lived in a nice, quiet neighbourhood full of friendly faces. He took care of her, provided for her, and took her out to fancy dinners and parties. But the truth was, and always had been, she could take care of herself, provide for herself, and she never wanted the glamourous lifestyle. Some nights they stayed home and watched movies or read quietly to themselves, but it wasn't the same as it had been with Vaughn. With him, her favourite moments were the ones when they were alone, talking quietly or saying nothing at all. They were the moments curled up on the couch together, enjoying the rare peace and the comfort of just being with one another. When she was with Vaughn, she wasn't just with her lover. She was with her best friend.

Alex had never been her friend.

Her lover and her husband, but never her friend. Now, after years without Vaughn, and even more if she counted the two years she was missing, she wanted him so bad it hurt. She ached for him just as she had when he was her handler and she his asset, just as she yearned for him when she woke to a world she didn't know, a world without him by her side. But unlike those times, she now held control. No forces plotted against them to keep them apart now. He would take her back; she knew that without a doubt. Even when he was still married, she knew he would take her back if she really spilled her heart and told him everything she felt. If she begged, he wouldn't be able to say no. She knew because she would do the same thing for him. But it was different now. Now they had discovered their entire separation was built upon a lie. The morals, the principles telling them they couldn't be together were never real. When she made the choice to leave him, when he made the choice to let her go, they didn't know the whole story. Maybe she should feel more guilty for being so willing to give up on her own marriage, but Alex hadn't suffered like they had. If she left him, he still wouldn't hurt a fraction as much as they had for years.

Didn't they both deserve a little happiness? Didn't they both deserve each other?

Those two questions kept her awake at night. Her students noticed the sudden lack of enthusiasm, the significant decrease in their homework, and the grades they probably didn't deserve. She was too tired to teach, too tired to assign work, and too tired to read paper after paper after staying up all night trying to figure out her life. Alex returned as though nothing had happened, and neither spoke of the incident for weeks. They moved about their usual routine, but it was always there. Her fellow colleagues worried and asked if she was okay. She said she was, lying and telling them a family friend had died recently and she and Alex were struggling. They seemed to buy it, except for Kelly.

"Are you going to tell me what's wrong, or do I have to beat it out of you?" her friend asked her over lunch one day, three weeks after the night she spent with Vaughn in his hotel room. Kelly kept calling, so she finally gave in and agreed to have lunch.

"I've heard that threat before," she answered flippantly, not even thinking about the repercussions. Kelly stopped eating and stared at her for a moment, obviously taken aback by Sydney's easy comment. She immediately realised what she'd said, but it was too late to take it back.

"Was that a joke?" Kelly asked nervously. "I can't really tell with you anymore."

Taking a deep breath, Sydney quickly weighed her options. She could deal with this situation all on her own, or she could take her chances and tell her friend the truth. Either way, the risk of losing her friendship was pretty much equal. "It wasn't a joke," she admitted.

"Sydney, what are you talking about? Oh my God, is it Alex?" her friend asked anxiously. "Does he-"

"No!" she asserted immediately. "No, never. He wouldn't...no," she answered. Kelly looked immensely relieved, but still a little uncertain. "Kelly, there's a lot I haven't told you," she confessed.

"I know that," her friend nodded. "You never talk about your life before you moved here. Just about how you were in love with Michael but you two broke up and he got married. I figured you didn't want to talk about it."

"I didn't," she shook her head. "But the first thing you should know is Vaughn...Michael...he and I didn't break up."

"What?" she asked in confusion. "Then why-"

"He thought I was dead," she admitted bluntly. "What I'm going to tell you, you're probably not going to believe. But I promise, it's true. And I'm sorry to dump this all on you now, but I'm thinking about leaving Alex...actually, I'm planning on leaving Alex, and I want you to know the truth before I do."

"Okay, you're really freaking me out now," Kelly laughed nervously. "Why would your boyfriend thinkn you were dead?"

"Because my death was staged. But just listen and don't ask any questions for a few minutes, or this will never make sense," she warned her. "I used to be a spy. I was recruited when I was 19, but it's kind of the family business. That's an even longer story, but I was an agent for ten years. Part of that time, I wasn't actually working for the CIA like I thought I was. When I told my fiance, Danny, what I really did for a living, the agency I worked for killed him," she explained, looking to Kelly to gauge her reaction. Her face was understandably pale, but she nodded for her to continue. "I found out then who I really worked for, and I went to the real CIA. Vaughn was the agent in charge of my case, and I immediately felt a connection with him. After a while, we got closer, and realised we loved each other. But it was more complicated than that. It was too dangerous for us to be involved with one another until we destroyed the agency I worked for. That finally happened two years after I met him, and we started dating right away. But it was more than just dating. He was perfect. _We_ were perfect. I knew I was going to spend my life with him. And then after just a few months together, I disappeared. My house was burned down, and they found remains with my DNA. I don't remember anything that happened for two years. I woke up one day in Hong Kong with no idea how I'd gotten there. The CIA sent Vaughn to get me, and by that time, he was married."

"Oh my God," Kelly breathed in horror. "You're serious, aren't you? This isn't a joke."

"No," she shook her head gravely. "It's definitely not a joke. Unfortunately, it's my life," she laughed humourlessly.

"Oh my God, you must have been devastated," her friend whispered.

"That's an understatement. I thought my world was over," she admitted. "I tried working with him again and trying to be friends, but we couldn't do it. We started meeting, he started thinking about leaving his wife, but I knew I couldn't wait for him to do it, and he wasn't ready. I didn't know when he would be ready, and I just wanted a normal life. So I told him that, and we decided we had to let go. The day I married Alex..." she trailed off for a moment, the tears springing to her eyes as she remembered him walking in the room with that look on his face that nearly broke her. "The day I married Alex," she continued, "he came to see me. He wanted to know that I would be okay and taken care of. He couldn't...he couldn't let me go without knowing I was going to be happy. I hated him for making me love him even when I was getting married, but it gave me peace. I knew I would always have him, no matter what."

"So you still love him," Kelly deduced easily.

"I never stopped," she confessed. "I really was happy here. I've had a good life with Alex. It just wasn't the one I wanted. I thought I was okay with that until my friend called to tell me Vaughn was hurt and in the hospital. I couldn't understand why he wanted me to come, why he thought I should be there instead of Vaughn's wife, but I went. Knowing he was alive and happy...it made everything okay. If he died..."

"Oh Sydney, I'm so sorry I was critical of you going there," Kelly apologised. "I had no idea."

"It's okay. You couldn't have known," she assured her. "I didn't want you to know."

"Still, I'm sorry. You had every right to be there with him. I would have done the same thing."

"I know," she nodded. "But it gets worse. He pulled through and got better, but his wife never showed up. Eric told me she was away on business and they couldn't reach her. I hated her for not being there for him, but I couldn't stay. Not with Alex waiting for me. So I gave Vaughn my cell phone number and told him to call me anytime. After seeing him again, I couldn't just let him disappear from my life. That night I called you, he had flown all the way here and left me this message...I've never heard him sound so desperate, Kelly. Ever. I knew something horrible had happened, but I had no idea what or why he came all the way here while he was still hurt. So I went to help, and when I got there...he had completely fallen apart."

"I guess so. I would fall apart, too. Maybe his brush with death made him realise he wanted to be with you," Kelly suggested.

"It's more than that," she confessed. "That's partly true, but he also found out the whole reason we were apart...his wife was the one that stabbed him, Kel. He found out a few weeks before that she wasn't who he thought. She was a traitor. She was involved in my kidnapping. She was stealing secrets from him and manipulating him. She had been all along, which was why he never left her. When she discovered he knew the truth, she stabbed him and left him to die on their kitchen floor."

"Oh Sydney," her friend sighed, tears welling up in her eyes as well.

"I know," she nodded tearfully. "And all I can think about is how I never would have married Alex if Vaughn and I hadn't been pawns in some huge game. They stole our lives from us. And now he's out there, alone, hurting, for something he could never control. I don't know if I can live with that, Kelly," she whispered. "I know I can't."

Kelly reached across the table and grabbed Sydney's hands, giving them a tight squeeze and allowing her a few moments to cry for everything she'd lost and everything she'd experienced. "I don't know everything about you, Syd, but I do know what kind of person you are, and I know you didn't deserve any of this," she said quietly. "Alex is a good man, and I never thought I would say this, but why are you still here? This isn't where you belong."

"But I'm scared," she whispered.

"Of what?"

"That after everything, I'll just lose him again. And I feel so bad. I never should have married Alex. I should have stuck it out with Vaughn."

"You deserved to have some happiness, Syd," her friend countered. "Alex gave you that, but neither of you will be happy now that you know the truth."

"I know," she nodded. "I know. I just keep thinking it over and over, and I always come up with the same answer, but it scares me."

"I can't even imagine what you're going through," Kelly shook her head. "But the way you talk about Michael..."

"Vaughn," she laughed tearfully. "I've never gotten used to calling him Michael, even now."

"That's cute," Kelly giggled softly. "Syd, your eyes...you belong with whatever you want to call him. From the little bit I do now, I can tell that's the only way you're going to be happy."

"I have to leave," Sydney nodded. "I didn't mean for this to happen."

"Of course not. Alex will understand, eventually. Do you need any help?" she asked kindly. "Packing, going to the airport, shoulder to cry on?"

"All of the above," she laughed, crying now in relief her friend hadn't shunned her for the truth and was still willing to help her.

"Let's go," Kelly whispered.

Alex was still at work when Sydney and Kelly returned to the house. Kelly looked up flights and booked a one-way ticket to Los Angeles while Sydney started the agonising process of packing her things. She would never have asked for Kelly's help in such a sordid affair, but her friend did offer, and she wanted to be as close to done as possible when Alex arrived home. The faster this went, the less painful it would be. He probably knew it was coming, and neither of them needed to drag it out longer than necessary.

"Okay, so what are we taking?" Kelly asked, surveying the house while Sydney threw her clothes haphazardly into her suitcases.

"No more than I have to. Just the essentials. I'll deal with everything else when I get back to LA. I don't want to turn this into a huge fight between Alex and me," she stated firmly.

"Okay, I kind of can't believe I'm helping you leave your husband," Kelly laughed humourlessly.

"I'm so sorry, Kelly," she apologised. "If you don't want to do this, you don't have to."

"I'm doing the right thing," her friend said confidently. "It is kind of romantic," she laughed a little. "Helping you get back to your one true love."

"Oh God," Sydney groaned. "You're making this worse."

"Okay, sorry. Packing. Let's get on that."

By the time Alex got home, they had all of her suitcases packed and ready to go. The two friends tearfully embraced and said their goodbyes, and Sydney promised to call when things settled down. She made Kelly go, refusing to let her be there to take any of the blame when Alex realised what was happening. She heard him walking in the front door right as she slipped on her shoes, and she looked up guiltily when he walked into the bedroom and found her amidst all of her things. His face instantly deflated, but he said nothing as he walked into the closet and took off his tie and jacket. Uncertain how to handle the situation, Sydney just sat there, waiting for him to say something. There was no need for an explanation, and anything she said would be too patronising now. He returned to the bedroom and sat down on the bed, staring blankly at the suitcases. "I knew this would happen," he finally said quietly, his voice sounding numb and defeated. "I think I always knew. I saw him on our wedding day, you know."

"You did?" she asked, genuinely surprised.

"Yeah," he nodded. "I saw him walking out of your dressing room."

"Why didn't you say anything?" she asked softly, shocked he knew about that encounter all along.

"I don't know," he shrugged. "I loved you. I wanted to marry you. He walked out, so I guess I convinced myself him being there didn't mean anything. Apparently I was wrong."

"Alex, you have to know we didn't talk or even communicate until he got hurt," she said immediately. "He came that day to make sure I was going to be okay, and then he left. We agreed not to talk anymore, and we didn't, not until Eric called me and told me about...about the accident. I never had any intention of leaving you."

"But the fact that he was there," Alex shook his head. "I knew he still loved you. I can see why. God knows I still do."

"Alex, I'm so sorry," she apologised, feeling the sting of tears once more.

"Like I said, I knew this would happen," he shrugged. "I just tried not to think about it. When you rushed out the door on our anniversary, I knew it was the beginning of the end. And I was right. A week later you spent the night with him, and four weeks later you're already moving out. I guess I just didn't think it would happen so fast."

"It's better this way," she said quietly. "It's better if we don't drag it out."

"Yeah," he nodded. "Yeah, you're right."

"I know it doesn't help anything, but if you want to know what happened, I'll tell you. I'm not really supposed to, but it's about his wife...ex-wife now. She-"

"I don't want to know," he cut her off. "Does it really matter?"

"No," she admitted.

They both sat in silence for a few minutes, not really sure what to do.

"So, um, your car?" he asked. "Do you want it? And what about-"

"I don't care," she shook her head. "I don't want it. You can sell it if you want, or I can take care of it if you'd rather not deal with it. Don't worry about the money. I don't really care about any of that. However you want to do it is fine with me," she assured him.

"Yeah, okay," he agreed. "I'll just sell it and send you the money."

"You don't have to do that. Just keep it," she insisted. Neither of them really needed the money per se, but the less she had to contact him, the better off they would be.

"What about-"

"Alex, don't," she shook her head. "Let's not worry about any of this. I'll call the lawyer and deal with all of that. You don't need to worry about anything. However you want to split things up is fine with me. It's really not important."

"No, but it gives me something to think about besides the fact that I'm losing you," he said miserably.

"Alex," she began again, not even knowing what she wanted to say but feeling as though

she had to say something.

"Don't apologise," he requested. "It just makes me feel even more pathetic."

"You're not pathetic," she said quietly. "I know it's not any consolation, but this year has been amazing. I've been happy for the first time in a long time."

"So is he going to make you happy?" he asked softly. "In all the ways I couldn't?"

"It's not like that," she shook her head.

"Just tell me, Sydney," he pleaded.

"Alex, you're so different," she said quietly. "You two are nothing alike. It's not that he can give me something you couldn't. It's just...it's different. But to answer your question, yes, he'll make me happy. I know you probably can't believe it, but he's a good man. He's always just tried to do the right thing."

"I know," he nodded painfully. "Otherwise you wouldn't love him."

"I love you, too," she said softly.

"Just not the way you love him," he finished for her. "It's okay, Sydney. Are you leaving tonight?"

"Yeah. I have a flight in a few hours."

"Then you should go," he whispered. "Do you need a ride or anything?"

"No," she shook her head. "A cab is coming."

"I guess I'll go back to my brother's then. Not that you really need to know that or anything..."

"Goodbye, Alex," she whispered.

"Bye Sydney," he answered sadly. He stood up and started to walk out of the room and then changed his mind. He walked back to where she was sitting, crouched down, and kissed her on the cheek. Without saying a word, he rose and walked out the bedroom door, closing it quietly behind him.

TBC


	5. Chapter 4

Part Four

Planning a trip from Boston to Los Angeles just hours before the flight meant not only did Sydney pay a small fortune for a ticket, but she also made two stops along the way. She tried sleeping on the plane, but she was too anxious. By the time she arrived in LA, it was two o'clock in the morning. By the time she picked up her luggage and the rental car Kelly had already arranged, it was close to 2:30. Perhaps it was the extreme emotional stress of leaving her husband and her entire life behind, or maybe it was just an attempt to block out the awful truth, but she automatically drove to the house where she'd last seen Vaughn. As soon as she pulled onto his street, she realised what a stupid mistake she'd made. He wasn't there. Of course he wasn't there. He shared the house with his traitorous wife, and it was now a crime scene complete with agents staking it out 24 hours a day. She quickly pulled her car off the road and dialled Vaughn's number, but it took her straight to his voicemail, meaning his phone was off. "Dammit," she cursed under her breath. Why did he always have to do that? He always shut out the world when he really needed to be letting someone in. _But who would he be letting in, Sydney?_ she asked herself guiltily. _He wouldn't expect you. You made him think Alex was more important._ "Dammit," she cursed again. Now she was stuck, no clue where to find him and no place to stay until she did. She could always go stay with her dad, but she wasn't quite ready to explain everything to him, especially at this hour. Besides, she still hadn't fully forgiven him for letting Vaughn go back to that house with Lauren. Instead, she dialled Eric Weiss. When he didn't answer, she tried again, paying no heed to the time.

"This better be important," his groggy voice finally answered on the third attempt.

"Weiss, where's Vaughn?" she asked immediately without bothering with a greeting.

"Sydney?" he asked in confusion.

"Yeah, of course it's Sydney," she snapped. "Who else would it be?"

"Well, I don't know. It's three in the morning...which, by the way, means it's six o'clock for you, in case you were wondering," he answered irritably. "Give me a second to wake up, would you?"

"No. I need to know where Vaughn is," she demanded. "Tell me, and then you can go back to sleep."

"Why do you need to know where he is?"

"Does it matter?" she asked impatiently.

"Uh, yeah, it matters. You're in Boston, and it's six o'clock in the morning. Why the hell is it so urgent to find Vaughn right this very second?"

"It's not six," she sighed. "I'm not in Boston. I'm in Los Angeles. Right now I'm sitting in front of his old house."

"Where he lived with Lauren?" he asked incredulously.

"Yeah, well, I didn't really plan this," she admitted. "It was kind of last minute. I wasn't thinking through everything."

"Clearly," he muttered.

"Please, Weiss," she begged him. "Just tell me where he's staying."

"I don't know, Syd," he answered honestly.

"What?" she cried. "How do you not know! He was stabbed, Weiss! You can't just leave him alone! His wife almost killed him!"

"Yeah, I know, Sydney. This isn't my fault. He was staying with me when he got out of the hospital, and then I came home from work to find all of his stuff gone and a note saying he was going to Boston. If I had any idea, I would have stopped him for about a million reasons."

Realising Weiss was just as frustrated as she was, she softened just a little. "Yeah, I saw him when he was there. But he's back now, right? He told me he was leaving."

"I'm sorry, Syd," he sighed. "I really don't know. He called and said he was back, but he didn't tell me where he was. And before you ask, yes, I've tried calling him. About a dozen times. His phone's been off."

"Oh God," she breathed, a wave of terror washing over her. "Please, do you have _any_ idea where he might have gone? He was in pretty bad shape when I saw him."

"Yeah, I know," Weiss answered seriously. "I don't know what to tell you, Syd. I'm worried, too. I don't like that he's alone, especially with that b still out there. If I knew where he was, I would tell you, but I really just don't have a clue. He obviously doesn't want me to know."

"I shouldn't have left him like that. Oh God. Now what?" she asked wearily.

"I don't know. Why are you even here?" he asked bluntly.

"I left Alex," she answered simply, no hint of emotion in her voice. "Now I need to find Vaughn."

"You left...?" he began to question. He thought better of it and changed his tactic. "Look, Syd, it's three in the morning. You can come crash at my place and get some sleep, and we'll try to figure something out," he proposed.

"No, I can't sleep until I know."

"That's crazy. How long has it been since you've slept?"

"I'm fine," she answered shortly.

"Okay, I know better than to argue with you, and I'm way too tired. You win. Call me if you find out anything. But Syd? Try to wait until the sun is actually up."

She managed a laugh at this and promised to let him know the second she knew anything. She hung up the phone and rested her head against the steering wheel, racking her brain for any ideas what to do next. In another lifetime, she might have been able to guess his favourite places. Years ago, this wouldn't be so hard. Then again, years ago, she wouldn't have this problem. _Think Sydney, think,_ she ordered herself. She still knew him better than anyone, and she had to figure this out...soon. The first obvious place was Eric's, but he wasn't there. Next would be his mother's, but he would probably feel unduly guilty making his mom take care of him. She didn't really know any of his other friends now, but somehow, she doubted he was with anybody. _Would he even stay in Los Angeles?_ she wondered. The more she thought about it, the more she realised he wouldn't stay here. There were far too many memories here, of her, of Lauren, of everything he just wanted to forget. No, staying in Los Angeles wouldn't appeal to him. He told her as much three weeks ago in that hotel room. But where would he go?

Suddenly, it hit her. _"I just want to go back in time and make that night never happen. I want everything to be the way it was supposed to be,"_ he'd told her as they said their goodbyes. He wanted to recapture those moments together, to make that night right. Right meant Santa Barbara. If he wanted to live out what never really happened, maybe he went there. Maybe it was just a shot in the dark. But it was something. It was a start.

"Please be there," she whispered as she drove off once more. It was getting close to 24-hours without sleep now, and though her nerves would keep her awake, she was starting to feel worse and worse. She used to be able to do this all the time, but she'd gotten rusty. Now she was used to sleeping at least eight hours a night every night. Her whole body ached for a warm, soft bed, and her eyes were starting to hurt. Still, she couldn't sleep until she knew where he was and if he was okay.

An hour and a half later, she crossed the Santa Barbara city limits. A huge wave of despair washed over her as she realised figuring out what city he was in was just the first step in what could turn out to be a very long process. He wanted to take her to the Biltmore, but he probably wouldn't just show up there and immediately get a room, especially for the three weeks he'd apparently been missing. _Three weeks,_ she thought with another rush of anxiety. _Why didn't you call me?_ So many things could have happened in three weeks, especially while Lauren Reed was still on the loose after failing to do her job correctly and murder her husband. _You never were much of a spy, were you?_ she thought evilly about the other woman. Of course, her superiors probably wouldn't accept failure. Right now she probably wasn't the only one trying to track down Michael Vaughn. But she needed to be the first one to find him.

Trying once more to push her fear aside, she frantically searched her mind for an idea of where to start. _The beach,_ she thought. He would want to be near the beach. Whenever they had free time, which wasn't often, they would go to the beach. He loved the water, and they loved walking up and down the coast together, listening to the waves and holding on to one another. The beach would comfort him, remind him of her and their time together. Alone, depressed, and self-destructive, he probably wouldn't have picked a very nice hotel, so at least that narrowed it down a little. She drove mostly aimlessly and checked three different hotels, none of which had a Michael Vaughn staying there. Of course, he could be using an alias, but in his state of mind, she doubted it. After an hour of searching, she was ready to get her own room and succumb to her body's need to sleep. She wouldn't be able to fight it much longer, so she picked one last hotel, and even if he wasn't there, she would stay to continue her search later, after she'd eaten, showered, and taken a nap.

Pulling herself out of the rental car, she wandered into the hotel and up to the front desk. She must look like hell at this point, but she really didn't care. Maybe if she looked pitiful enough the employees here would take some pity on her. "Excuse me," she said wearily. "I was wondering if you have someone staying here by the name of Michael Vaughn. I can't remember which hotel he said he was in."

The clerk at the desk eyed her suspiciously, and she realised how bad that must have sounded.

"I'm his girlfriend," she amended quickly. "I've been out of town, and I'm supposed to join him here. In all the rush I completely forgot to write down the name of the hotel. He probably would have been here for a few weeks...family crisis, you know," she lied, the story easily rolling off her tongue with barely any effort. Apparently some of her skill stuck. "We just couldn't stand staying with them and thought it would be better to get a hotel. So could you check for me?" she asked sweetly.

The woman softened a little, apparently buying the story, and searched the computer for his name. "Yes ma'am," she answered. "He's here."

Containing her cry of relief, she nodded and smiled. "Great. I've checked everywhere. I'm exhausted. Could you tell me what room he's in?"

"No, I can't do that," the woman shook her head.

"Please," Sydney begged with her most pathetic expression. "When he's asleep, nothing will wake him up. I've been calling for hours, but he's not answering his phone. I just got into town, and I'm tired. I took the red-eye out here, and I really just want to get to our room and go to sleep."

"I'm really not supposed to give out room numbers."

"I completely understand," she assured her. "I would never ask anyone to break the rules like that, but I swear, I'm his girlfriend. He probably didn't say anything because he wasn't sure when I would be back from my business trip," she explained. The more details she gave here, the more likely this woman would believe her story and bend the rules. It wasn't like she'd never accomplished this particular feat before, but most of those times involved something low cut and a male worker at the desk. This was going to take a little more pleading and a lot more sympathy. "I just want to curl up in bed with him and go to sleep. Please."

"Alright, but please," she said quietly, lowering her voice, "don't tell anyone."

"I swear," she promised. "Thank you so much."

"Room 327. Elevator's right over there," she pointed out.

Smiling and thanking her again, Sydney hurried to the elevator and rode up to the third floor. As soon as she found the room, she began pounding on the door. He was really a pretty light sleeper, but if he was still taking the pain medication, he might not be as easily roused. After a few minutes, she finally heard movement inside the room. "Vaughn," she called. "Vaughn, open the door."

The door swung open, and she immediately pushed her way through before he had a chance to ask any questions. Instead of saying anything, she flipped on the lights and surveyed the room. His pill bottles sat along the nightstand, but they were also accompanied by several bottles of various alcoholic substances. The bed was barely rumpled and still made, clearly unslept in all night, and the television played softly in the background. He was still too stunned by her appearance to do or say anything, so he watched blankly from his spot by the door as she sighed and picked up the bottles, including those still half-full. No way she was letting him near any more alcohol now that she was here. She took them into the bathroom, emptied the remains, and tossed them into the trash can. Returning to the bedroom, she picked up his hand and led him to the bed, pulling back the covers and forcing him to sit down. She could tell he was completely bewildered by her presence, but he'd yet to say anything, so she took advantage of his silence to make sure he was physically okay. He looked pale and tired, but massive amounts of alcohol would do that to him. She pulled up his shirt to check his wounds, making sure he hadn't made anything worse or gotten any kind of infection. Satisfied, she couldn't help pressing a soft kiss to his chest before lowering his shirt again.

Even with countless hours spent flying here and looking for him, she hadn't really thought about what she was going to say. She sat for a moment, clueless and grasping at straws for a good way to break the ice. "Please tell me you haven't been drinking and taking your pills," she requested. Not really the angle she was looking for, but someone had to say something, and it obviously wasn't going to be him.

"Not at the same time," he answered, staring down at the bed and refusing to look at her.

"Vaughn," she scolded gently. "I don't need to tell you what a bad idea that is. You shouldn't be drinking right now period. And no one knew you were here, you don't have your phone on...what if something happened? How would anyone get to you here?" she asked. This wasn't at all how she wanted this to go, but the words just came out of her mouth. Easier to concern herself with his physical health than deal with all the emotions coursing through her right now. Easier to chastise him for making bad decisions than talk about why he was doing this in the first place.

"Sydney," he said quietly, his tone saying everything.

"I'm sorry," she whispered. "That's not what I wanted to say, but you really scare me when you're like this. I'm still struggling with the fact that you were stabbed."

"How did you find me?" he asked, completely ignoring what she'd just said.

"It wasn't easy," she admitted. "I called Weiss, and he didn't know, so I just tried to think about where you might go. Then I remembered what you said in Boston before I left, so I thought maybe you came to Santa Barbara. But I had no idea where you were staying. This was my fourth try," she confessed. "I was going to get a room and sleep for a while if you weren't here."

"When did you even get here?" he asked, shaking his head slightly in disbelief. "And why?"

"Around three this morning," she answered, not about to even touch the second question. "That's why I thought I'd get some sleep here before I kept looking for you. Lucky for me I didn't have to."

"Let me guess. You talked the woman at the front desk into giving you my room number," he guessed, unable to conceal his slight grin. "What did you tell her?"

"Long version or short version?" she laughed quietly.

"I can't believe you really tracked me down," he shook his head. "The whole point of this was so no one would know."

"Yeah, I kind of figured that," she answered dryly.

"Well, thanks for caring, Syd, but I didn't want you here. I _don't_ want you here. I don't need pity. I can take care of myself."

"Yeah, obviously. You're doing a bang-up job so far," she shot back.

He clenched his jaw and looked away again. "Look, I'm fine. I'm...dealing. I don't need you and Weiss teaming up to babysit me."

"Is that what you think?" she asked quietly, saddened and disappointed in herself for letting him think she was only here because he ran away.

"What am I supposed to think?" he challenged. "He called you when I got hurt, so he called you when I went missing. But it's not your responsibility, Syd, and you know what? It's not his either. It's my life. Pathetic as it is, it's my life. So please, leave me alone to live it how I want."

"This isn't what you want," she countered quietly. "This isn't living."

"Maybe not, but this is what I have now," he answered sadly. "Please. Call Weiss, tell him you found me and I'm fine. Then you can go back to Boston. I'm sorry he dragged you all the way out here."

"Vaughn, Weiss didn't drag me anywhere. He didn't call me," she shook her head. "He didn't know I was coming. I had no idea you were missing until I was already in Los Angeles. I called _him_ because you didn't answer your phone and I didn't know how to find you." She reached out to grab his hand, but he flung it away. At first she was stung, but then she remembered he'd been drinking and hadn't slept in a while. He was far from reasonable at this point, and he probably didn't really know what he was saying or doing. "I'm here because I want to be here, but I know you don't feel good. We can talk about that later. When was the last time you ate anything?"she asked calmly. He didn't answer, so she sighed and stood up. "Okay...have you been drinking any water?" she asked. Again, he didn't answer, so she grabbed his key card off the table and held it up. "Alright, you don't have to talk to me, but I'm taking this, so don't try to go anywhere," she warned him.

"Great," he shot back.

_So much for sleeping,_ she thought wryly. She grabbed her purse and hurried to the end of the hall to buy a bag of pretzels and a bottle of water. When she returned, he was still sitting up in bed, his head back against the wall as he breathed heavily. "Vaughn?" she asked softly, sitting down beside him again and placing a gentle hand on his chest. "What do you need?"

"Nothing. Just leave me alone," he pleaded miserably.

"No," she whispered. "I can't do that. I flew across the country tonight, stopped twice, and drove aimlessly for hours. For you, Vaughn. For you. Not because Weiss called me, not because I was worried, and not because you're still weak and sore. I am worried, and you are weak and sore, but that's not why I'm here."

"Then why?" he rasped.

She wanted to tell him everything. She wanted to tell him about the last three weeks, about laying awake at night thinking of him, about tearfully confessing everything to Kelly. She wanted to tell him how certain she was stepping onto that plane, how walking out the door of her home was both the hardest and easiest thing she'd ever done. She wanted him to know she loved him, not because he was hurt or dying, not because he was reeling from the worst kind of betrayal, and not because she was scared he would self-destruct. She wanted him to know she still loved him just because she loved him. Because he was _Vaughn._ Because they were meant to be together. Because he was _hers._ But his eyes swam with pain, his pale face lined with evidence of too many sleepless nights and too much to drink. She wanted him to know everything, but this time there was no ticking clock, no force looming over her head. Smiling softly, feeling tears in her own eyes, she gently cupped his face in her hands and kissed his forehead, allowing her lips to linger on his skin. "Because," she whispered.

"Syd," he murmured in anguish, torn between love and grief.

"Shh," she whispered. "We'll talk about everything later. Let me take care of you now."

"Okay," he finally agreed.

Smiling gently, she handed him the bottle of water. "You should drink some of this," she instructed. "Then you need to sleep."

"Will you-"

"I'll be right here," she promised. "When you wake up, I'll be right here."

Satisfied with this answer, he finally accepted the water bottle and drank about half of it. As soon as he finished, he slid down beneath the sheets and instantly fell asleep. She nearly laughed at how quickly he was gone, but she stopped herself, wanting to preserve the incredible sweetness of the moment. He was still hurting in so many ways, and they still had a million challenges before them, but tonight, she could sleep beside him and not worry about tomorrow. From here on out, she was free to do this every night.

Exhausted from her own emotional hurricane and an impossibly long 24 hours, she didn't even bother to change out of her jeans and t-shirt before laying down beside him. She instinctively cuddled near his chest, his warm breath soothing her and lulling her to sleep just like it used to years ago.

The afternoon sun already poured through the windows when Sydney woke again. She blinked heavily, holding up her hand to shield her eyes. "Sorry," a quiet voice whispered. He was already up and quickly closed the curtains to darken the room again. "Go back to sleep," he told her, returning to the bed and sitting down beside her.

"No," she shook her head. "No, I'm awake. What are you doing up? Are you hurting?"

"Just couldn't sleep anymore," he shrugged. An awkward silence passed between them as she pulled herself up and wrapped her arms around her knees. "What are you doing here, Sydney?" he finally asked.

"Coming home," she answered simply.

"What about Alex? What about-"

"It doesn't matter," she cut him off. "I love you, Vaughn."

"I love you, too, Syd," he responded easily. "But you have another life. Without me."

"I don't want that life," she whispered. "It was nice, and it was good, but he wasn't you, it wasn't us."

"You were happy there until I came back into your life," he protested.

"Yeah, but you did come back into my life. We can't change that now. I don't want to change that now," she insisted.

"How can you say that?" he asked in disbelief. "I made everything so much worse for you."

"No, you didn't," she shook her head. "Vaughn, listen to me. Were you happy before you met me? Before you even knew I existed, were you happy?"

"Yeah, I guess," he shrugged. "Happy enough, at least."

"Do you wish it stayed that way?" she challenged.

"No," he answered immediately. "Of course not, Syd. Having you...no matter how short it was...I wouldn't want to live a life not knowing you."

"Then why don't you understand?" she asked softly, reaching for his hand and pulling him closer. "Everything that separated us was a lie. I built another life on a lie, and yes, I was happy. But then you crashed back into my life, and it was unexpected, and hard, and confusing. But I think we've both learned the truth is always better no matter how much it hurts. Building a life on a lie never works. You shattered that life when you came back into my world, but I don't want to go back to the illusion."

"But I hurt you," he whispered in agony. "I drove you away, to another man, another state...hell, it was another world!"

"Because of her, Vaughn. Because of what she did to you. That wasn't your fault. We both made mistakes, but we could have fixed them. We couldn't fix what we didn't ruin," she insisted, desperate to make him understand. "I know you're scared, Vaughn," she continued, her voice lowering a few notches. "You were betrayed and hurt in every possible way. Don't punish yourself for something you didn't do."

"But I need you to know how much I love you. I need you to know that I didn't come to you because I needed consolation or because I was lonely and you were the logical choice. I didn't go to you just because she let me off the hook by being a traitor," he said shakily. "You were never a fall-back, Syd. You could never be a fall-back. She was the obstacle keeping me from you, and when she was finally gone, I was finally free to tell you the truth...that I love you, and I would do anything to have us back."

"I know that, Vaughn," she whispered tenderly, reaching up to wipe the tears from his cheeks. "I never thought that's why you came to me. It never crossed my mind. Maybe other people would see it that way, but not me. Now come here," she requested, pulling him close so she could cup his cheeks in her hands. For the first time in too many years, their lips finally met again. But it felt like no time ever passed. It felt like they had always been together. And it was the sweetest thing she remembered feeling. When they parted, they both laughed softly through the tears. "That was a long time coming," she murmured happily.

"I've wanted that forever," he agreed with a sigh. "So this is it? We're going to do this?"

"Let's forget about everything," she whispered. "Let's start over. I can't live a life without you, knowing I could live a life _with_ you."

"You won't ever have to again."

Their lips met again, but they still kept it short and sweet. There were still things to work out, divorce papers to be filed. And now they had time. As much time as they wanted. "Vaughn?" she asked breathlessly when they parted.

"Yeah?"

"Look where we are," she smiled, realising for the first time how incredibly perfect it was he chose to come here.

A smile spread over his face as he put it together as well. "Santa Barbara," he chuckled. "Not exactly how I planned it."

"Can we still go to the zoo?"

"Whatever you want," he laughed. "I made you wait long enough."

"Mmm...but we're here now," she sighed, pulling him in for another kiss. "We made it, Vaughn," she whispered. They kissed again, his hands finding their way to her sides and hers to his hair.

"You're missing the giraffe," he breathed.

She just smiled and pressed her forehead against his. "I missed this more."

THE END


End file.
